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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
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6:45 pm
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GUYS, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog ... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard, strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major leagues, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, April 1st, 2005
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2:19 pm - How to Argue with Females
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by Justin Rebello
The Allied Invasion. The Trojan Horse. The Divine Plan. The following strategy puts them all to shame because it defines how to finally defeat the great beast of society: women.
Arguing with girls, like yoga, is a meaningless and inane exercise. A lot of guys hate doing it, most notably because it never seems like we can win. But you can win. Here's how.
Step 1: Abandon all Logic. Girl's don't use it, and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.
Step 2: If you Believe Strongly in Something, do NOT Give in to Any Aspect of it. Compromise is useless against girls, because they will rationalize that if they can get you to concede to one element, they can get you to quit on the whole fuckin' Periodic Table. (Nothing like a little chemistry humor, right?)
Step 3: Don't be Afraid to Take Cheap Shots. Ever argue with a girl about something and they randomly insult you with something that has no relevance to the argument? That's their way of trying to wear you down and push you off-topic. Fight fire with fire, I say. Tell her she has a fat ass, small boobs, an ugly face, disorienting facial hair, unwieldy hips, and is a genuinely awful person.
Step 4: Cite Precedent. Girls have no concept of historical factors relating to the current situation. Most girls reading this just went over to dictionary.com to see what "precedent" meant.
Step 5: Interrupt Her. Don't let girls talk. Girls hate that like they hate other girls. It's hilarious, too. They get all frazzled.
Step 6: Don't Take Her Seriously. Laugh at every point she deems serious in nature. Fart, if possible. Derail her emotional train.
Step 7: If the Argument Escalates, Cut Off All Communication with Her. If a girl can't find you, she can't continue arguing about bullshit. Change your phone number, relocate, and get a name change if you must.
Step 8: Don't be Fooled by, "Let's Stop Arguing Please." That's their way of making you let your guard down so they can swoop in after you're worn down. Instead, say something like, "Yeah, all this being right is exhausting for me." Pisses them off. Just trust me.
Step 9: Compare Her Unfavorably with Another Girl. This is especially effective if the comparison is with a girl that they simply abhor. Tell her something like, "Lisa is so much more compassionate than you." Girls hate other girls, like a deer hates a shotgun. And how do you take down a deer? Exactly.
Step 10: Don't be Intimidated by the Water Works. That's their ultimate contingency, knowing that guys can't deal with a crying girl. Stay strong, don't let yourself get emotional, just think of something funny. Replay scenes from "Office Space" in your head if you must.
Step 11: Bust out, "I don't Feel Like Fighting. I've Proven my Point." Then stop. Leave the argument. It pisses them off because a guy's natural reaction is to resolve, whereas a girl's is to continue forever and ever until the end of time until they hear that they are right. If a guy decides that he is right and won't budge, their whole concept of male-female relations is shot to shit. Again, mind games.
Step 12: Ask Her if She's on the Rag. Self-explanatory.
Step 13: When All Else Fails, Tell Her She's Just Like Her Mother. It's an ace-in-the-hole and will emotionally cripple her to such a degree she may even forget her whole argument.
Remember, girls are the less intelligent of the genders. All throughout history men have out-thought, out-invented, and out-created women in every facet of existence. Isn't it about time we won an argument for once? Gentlemen, that time is now.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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2:21 pm - Nice
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It's nice as fuck outside right now. I love this weather.
current mood:  happy
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, February 28th, 2005
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12:19 am - What the fuck
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The worst episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force just came on. And they just played it like a month ago. That fucking pisses me off. Robot Chicken was hilarious though.
current mood:  pissed off
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
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9:38 pm - Christmas time
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| Friday, October 29th, 2004
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12:02 pm - Wow...
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Facebook has hit Bentley...and it has hit Bentley hard. It is spreading like AIDS. I have e-mails of new people every time I check, and keep getting poked.
By the way, here's mine:
Facebook me!
Be my friend, or else.
current mood:  anxious
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
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1:22 am - Random thoughts
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Confused...that's really the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I just don't know about anything anymore. Classes, school, other personal situations...what's even worth it? Why am I doing this? So I can wake up at 7 every day to go to work in a suit and tie for 8 hours and be miserable? I hope my major isn't anything like the business shit I've been exposed to so far.
With everything that's happened recently...I'm starting to question my own life and mortality. Why am I even here? Why are other people chosen to get into fatal car accidents, or get shot in the city, and not me? I feel miserable, yet when I try to find a reason why, I can't. I guess I don't have one, which bothers me even more. Maybe it's this depressing fucking music I listen to all the time.
Despite all this, my favorite season is approaching. Every time I step outside and inhale, I smile. I absolutely love the fall. There is just something in the air...I don't know what it is. It reminds me of standing outside the locker room before football games, just waiting to go get dressed, and just fucking around with my friends. Hopefully rugby will replace those memories for me, which, by the way, I was able to actually practice today with minimal contact (good sign). It reminds me of watching football on Sunday, playing in the back yard at half time, going for walks, going to the apple orchards with my parents. And best of all, it always reminds me of having someone to share it with. Last fall was rough, I was grieving...but not this fall (knock on wood). I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, it also reminds me of Halloween. Even though me and Sunny can't go out trick-or-treating, it's still a good time. Same air, same feelings. ...sigh...I'm at a loss of what else to talk about...
By the way, buy this CD in my current music...it's fucking amazing...the CD is called Chant, not that track, I didn't have room for the track name, but the one I'm listening to is called Christus Factus Est Pro Nobis...amazing...
current mood:  confused
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 25th, 2004
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12:35 am - NOW!
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FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all...
p.s. - I have a Xanga now...my user name is stin0305, just like my AIM name...
current mood: pissed off
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
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2:07 am - So...
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Only a couple more weeks until I go back to school. I took a little trip up there tonight to drop off part of a couch and see the new room. It is fucking incredulous how big it is. My sweet is gonna be suite...and visa versa. Just had to put that up for grabs. Wild Turkey. Peece.
current mood: happy
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| Saturday, August 7th, 2004
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8:09 pm - Well...
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Summer is almost over, can't fucking wait to get the fuck back to school and out of this shithole. Camp is over, sweet. Pool store is almost over, sweet. I'm sick of working, that's all I've done all summer is work every day. I think I've gone to the beach a total of once, and haven't gone on any sort of vacation. And I have about $800 to show for it. I keep buying stupid shit, well it's not stupid to me, but it's stuff I could live without. Oh well. Maybe I should touch myself. Peece.
current mood: complacent
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| Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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12:37 pm - Sweet, I'll steal this from Nick and Donovan and Trott...
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The soundtrack of like...my shit or something. Most of the music is probably gonna be the same as the rest of it, I donno what I'm saying anymore:
Opening Credits: That song from Ren & Stimpy that they play when the sun is coming up and the rooster crows and shit...like the classical type thing, you know, "Doooo, doo doo doo doo doo dooooooo, doo doo doo doo doo dooooooo, doo dee doo doo doo doooooooooooooo..."
Waking-up Scene: Rage Against the Machine - Wake Up (how appropriate)
Average Day Scene: Sublime - Summer Time
Best Friend Scene: Some 50 cent rap shit, I donno...
First Date Scene: Eric Clapton - You Look Wonderful Tonight
Falling in Love Scene: That Elvis song that goes like, "...but I...can't...help...falling in love...with...you..." ...diesel...
Love Scene: DJ Sammy feat. Yanou - Heaven (Candlelight Remix)
Fight with Friend Scene: David Banner - Fuck Em
Break-up Scene: Brand New - Seventy Times Seven
Get Back Together Scene: it would never happen...but that "Reunited and it Feels so Good" song...ha!
"Life's Okay" Scene: Foo Fighters - Times Like These
Heartbreak Scene: Eamon - Fuck it
Mental Breakdown Scene: Pantera - The Great Southern Trendkill
Driving Scene: Eve 6 - Open Road Song
Lesson-Learning Scene: I don't really learn any lessons...so I'll go with Blur - Song 2, because I hate that fucking song.
Deep Thought Scene: Evanescence - My Immortal
Flashback Scene: That lady from the blow-up plastic commercial on Nickelodeon that says, "Hey Parents! Remember when?? It's back again!!" Dumb cunt...
Party Scene: There's way too many songs to name...but I'd probably say O.A.R. - Crazy Game of Poker, reppin' Bentley there...
Regret Scene: Hoobastank - The Reason
Long Night Alone Scene: Something I can sit and drink Wild Turkey to...like...I donno? Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken?
The Hyped-Up Main Character Running Toward Something Scene: They Might Be Giants - Particle Man
Death Scene: Metallica - Fade to Black
Closing Credits: The feather song from Forest Gump
Airport/Last Chance Scene: Theory of a Dead Man - Make Up Your Mind
Aaaaannnddd....that's about it, sweet shit if I say so myself.
current mood:  blank
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| Monday, May 10th, 2004
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10:20 pm - The culmination of my freshman year at college...
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Let me explain to all of you why I, Justin Bullard Kieran Onorato, am the man. I shall start with a set-up of the situation that led to the point of this post. Whilst studying Calculus during my second semester, my professor suddenly had to leave for open-back surgery and would be out for the rest of the year. So, of course, we were graced with the presence of the assistant department head as our new expressor of mathematical fundementals. After the semester was over and I took my final exam, I e-mailed her to express a few concerns I had about the end of the semester, hopefully scoring a few extra points on the GPA, since I need to maintain a 3.25 to keep my scholarship. The e-mail read as follows:
Professor Harnden,
This is Justin Onorato from your 9:55 class that you took over for Professor Schroeder. This is the e-mail I spoke to you about after class. I just wanted to address some concerns I had about this semester. First off, I was given a scholarship here for academics and I am required to keep my total GPA above a 3.25. I am just above that mark, and hopefully will keep it there after the duration of this semester. Math, however, I think is one of the classes that is putting me right on the verge. In no way am I trying to insult your teaching abilities or your style, but I have spoke with several other students in our class, and they all agree that adapting to a new teacher's style, especially only a couple of weeks before the final exam, is a very difficult task. I, along with others, had some difficulty adapting to a new style after being so used to Professor Schroeder's. I feel that this puts our class at an unfair disadvantage compared to the rest of the classes of this subject. I am simply asking that you take this into consideration when determining our final grades. I am not the only one who feels this way, and it would be a shame to lose my scholarship due to unfortunate circumstances. I know this could not be avoided because of Professor Schroeder's illness, so that is why I am asking you to take the given circumstances into consideration. I apologize if I sound disgruntled or rude, I am just expressing the concern of myself and my fellow students for this semester. Thank you for doing your best in taking over the class, as I am sure it was just as hard for you as it was for us. I appreciate what you have done and I also appreciate your time in reading this e-mail. Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Justin Onorato
MA139 section 9:55
Now, I did not hear anything from Professor Harnden for quite a while. After moving back home and waiting weeks after taking the exam, I figured all hope was lost. But alas! This very eve I was blessed by the e-mail fairy! Nancy had taken the time to write me a very well thought-out response that answered my every question! Her reply read as follows:
Hi Justin,
I appreciate your email and I value very much your opinion. I am very aware that it is difficult to get used to a new professor. I think that, for the most part, students responded very well to this, and for that you should all pat yourselves on the back!
I did indeed grade the final exam, the homework, and the challenge problems generously. In your section the average grade for the course was 3.31.
Unfortunately, however, I regret to say that you earned the lowest grade on the final in both classes: 115 points. Your total points were 781.5, a 2.3.
If I can speak to anyone on your behalf who is responsible for continuing your scholarship monies, please let me know.
Nancy Harnden
Note to all of my readers...that final exam score of 115 was out of 300 possible points, which by my calculations is about a 38.33%. I can do simple math. She actually e-mailed me to tell me that I was the dumbest kid in all of her classes, which made me say hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Despite this, I got a total GPA of 3.30 after my first year, so I keep my scholarship, and am still the man. That is all.
P.S. - Ask me how to get 25% off any purchase of $15.00 or more at WickedGoodVibrations.com!!!
current mood: content
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 30th, 2004
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12:23 pm - The livin's easy...
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So, summer is just around the corner. I took/bombed my last final today, and all I have left is a bullshit philosophy paper on the ten theories of human nature due monday, a.k.a. I'll write it in an hour on Sunday night because I am the man and can bang out like 5 pages every 30 minutes (I've been timed). I can't wait to go home, but at the same time I know I'm going to miss school. Slade's been good to me...actually...fuck Slade and fuck Mike Knowell that fucking tongue-ring having faggot. I'm going to bake Ms. Stapleton a pie or something and bring it to her next week because I just found out that she, she sweetest cooking teacher ever, is calling it quits and retiring after this year. She's a real peach. Alright, well I need to go pick up some ice to fill my makeshift dufflebag/cooler invention, so I can bring my two massive sirloins and pack of burgers, along with my 12 Corona's and limes to my kick-ass rugby BBQ today...oh yeah, I miss rugby wicked bad...I fucking can't wait until next season. Alright, the time has come, peece.
current mood: happy
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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11:56 pm - Hmm...
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Well, my four day weekend is now over. It was sweet. Friday and Saturday night I didn't do much of anything because I had to be up at 6:30 for rugby Saturday and Sunday morning. Beast of the East was fun. We did decent too. Sunday night was Lichwell's 22nd birthday. I blacked out around...I don't even know when. That is probably one of the drunkests I've ever been. I think I broke my hand punching myself in the face. Oh well. Monday I spent the day at Hampton Beach. I didn't have lotion, so I got burnt as fuck. Lovely ladies keep coming down to my room to rub my back with aloe, so that's a plus. This coming weekend, although it is Spring Day, and I won't be here for it, should be fun as fuck. I'm leaving for Philly Friday afternoon at like 12:30 for Nationals. It's gonna be fucking sweet. I practiced again for the first time today. The head is pretty much better. So hopefully I'll be able to get in this weekend. I was told some good shit, so hopefully I can live up to it. Well I'm gonna go, I don't know really what else to say. Peece.
current mood: satisfied
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 11th, 2004
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11:03 pm - That annoying guy on the subway...
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So, it's Easter. There's about 42 minutes left of it. Today was a pretty good day. Hard boiled eggs really is the only way you can consume a full dozen in one sitting...and I did, twice over. Yesterday I had a rugby game at Babson, and fucked some rich assholes up. Then in my fit of rage I kinda fucking some kid up, and split my head open in the process, proceeding to run down the field with blood pouring off my face. We scored on that play too, and then the game ended. I got my head stapled back together, yes, not stitched, stapled. It looks pretty fucked up, but oh well. School's been decent, looking forward to the summer tho. Alright South Park is on, time to go, just figured I should update since it's been awhile and it was an eventful weekend. New traditions on Holy Saturday also. Sweeeeet...
current mood: calm
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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2:18 am
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I find myself feeling very bitter...and angry too. I've realized so much, and how stupid I've been in thinking anything could have been any different than what I now know it is. I feel foolish, and I regret so much that I let happen. But what can I do about it now other than say fuck it? When what you want and what you know is the best for you are two different things, it can make for a very difficult, uncomfortable, and hurtful situation...which is exactly what I am in right now. I appreciate all of this that is happening to me...at least I have something to blame it all on, right?
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 9th, 2004
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12:04 am - Hmm...
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So, some shit has happened, and I guess I know where I stand...which is at the bottom, but ok.
I'm working again, all day, every day. It's not bad, I need the money, and the boss already says I have to work full time over the summer because, bottom line, I'm fucking sweet at what I do. I'm not complaining. Other shit...hmm...been chillin with friends all vacation. Don't wanna go back to school, that's gonna suck. Still trying to convince mum about the bodyart...I don't think she's having it. Oh well, I've never been one to not do something because of the disapproval of others. Rick leaves for Mexico soon, that sucks balls. My last week of break, he won't even be here for. Rick you bitch. Kirsten, I'm mad at you, but it's ok, you can still come to Shrewsbury again. You know you like it here better than Hopkinfucker or whatever that shitty town is called. I'm fucking tired, and I'm going to bed because I have work in the morning. Everyone buy the new Hoobastank CD because it's fucking amazing. Peece.
current mood: pissed off
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
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11:02 am
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| Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
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2:08 am - Can't sleep...
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Two in the morning and I'm still awake...I can't sleep tonight. I just had an intense game of raquetball and my blood is still pumping. Things lately...well...let's just say I guess they're going as good as can be expected. I've made many, MANY, realizations about my life and things I've done in the past, both near and far, and let me just say that if I could go back in time...things would be different. I guess it is true that everyone is haunted by their past. I see now how things really are with certain people, and I can't believe I was so blind as to think things were anything different with them. This goes for a lot of people also. I myself am changing also, some things for the better, and some for the worse. I don't care though. I have this overwhelming feeling of...I don't even know. Just emptiness I guess, or something is missing...and the wierd part is, I don't know what that thing is. I know what everyone would expect it to be, but I can't even say that for certain. As far as that goes...I'm not even going to get into it. All I can say is...well...I don't even know. What I want to say, I can't say. Well, I could, but I choose not to. It changes between a few things anyways. Oh well, it still is a complete waste of my time and energy to even think about it, let alone type about it on this fucking thing.
As far as school goes...it's going. I don't know how my grades are, but I'm trying. I need to stay above 3.25 I think, and I hope I am. Some classes are hard, some aren't. My schedule for next semester sucks, but I can deal with it.
I think I'd better go, becuase things are surfacing that I do not wish to say...I just see the truth now...the truth about me, my life, my relationships with others, and exactly what those relationships meant and stood for...I regret a lot of things right now...and like I said, knowing what I know now of a handful of people, if I could go back to my junior year of high school, things would be a LOT different now than they are...I'll leave it at that...peece.
current mood: angry
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 27th, 2003
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5:13 pm - Well...
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q_spitfire's journal
quixotic